For the sixth time, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick pouted and frowned their way to yet another Lombardi trophy (do they even enjoy it anymore?).
And for as long as recent memory serves me (which seems to have gotten spottier since Prop 64 passed), the commercials were dominated by all the things that make this country great: junk food, beer and cars. Oh, and Avocados… from Mexico.
As the Big Game wore on (our lawyers warned us about saying S–– B–– because the NFL has some pretty frightening policies) I hoped for one of two things:
1.) Someone would make a damn touchdown
2.) Or at least the commercials would make up for the fact #1 didn’t happen until the 4th quarter
Unfortunately, neither of these wishes came true, leaving us with yet another New England victory, and a litany of overproduced commercials hocking the usual culture-dominating brands. Here is a recap / breakdown of most of these spots, written through a hangover and proofread by an intern who asked, “How many home runs did the Patriarchs get?”
First, let’s put this in perspective: according to CNBC, the cost of a 30-second ad during S–– B–– LIII was $5.25 million. For that amount of money, Giant Propeller could create entire campaigns for multiple brands for life. But I digress.
In no apparent order, here are some short reactions to these incredibly non-wasteful amounts of money that could feed thousands of starving babies the world over:
PEPSI – Steve Carell brainwashes a girl to drink soda by doing a Cardi B impression because of course.
BUD LIGHT / GAME OF THRONES – What starts off as another cheerful beer commercial suddenly turns tragic as a mascot is murdered and a fire-breathing dragon incinerates hundreds of people… Dilly-dilly!
STELLA ARTOIS – What do Carrie Bradshaw, The World’s Most Interesting Man and Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski have in common? They’re in the same beer commercial. That’s… that’s it.
BURGER KING – Nothing sells hamburgers in 2019 like footage of Andy Warhol eating one in 1982!
THE WASHINGTON POST – “Democracy dies in darkness…” GAME ON!
NFL’S 100TH ANNIVERSARY – A more exciting assembly of stars than the Avengers commercial.
BUMBLE – Listen up fellas: your balls are in Serena Williams’ court… Wait, what?
AMAZON – A new franchise about Harrison Ford and his Boston terrier with an Alexa collar needs to happen.
TURKISH AIRLINES – The director of Blade Runner and Gladiator promotes Turkish Airlines because someone obviously did their demographic research for males 18–35 who like football and yearn for an exotic trip to… Turkey.
M&M’S – Christina Applegate plays a woman undergoing a mental breakdown as she hallucinates talking chocolate candies in her car.
BUD LIGHT – Zero corn syrup! And zero flavor!
AUDI – A man almost chokes to death on a cashew and has a vision of his dead grandfather showing him a new electric Audi. This was actually vetted across an entire corporation through countless meetings. Think about that.
CURE AUTO INSURANCE – A man sucks the metal screw out of his clueless girlfriend’s head without any context. Again, this was actually vetted across an entire corporation through countless meetings. And cost over $5 million dollars to air.
PAMPERS – Adam Levine somehow resists the overwhelming urge to remove his shirt while changing a baby’s diaper.
DEVOUR FROZEN FOODS – It’s literally a metaphor for porn addiction. Because nothing sells food more than being addicted to hardcore pornography.
MICHELOB ULTRA – Lenny Kravitz’s daughter whispers sweet nothings into my ear and my soul and I want a horrible beer for the rest of my life now thanks.
DORITOS – Chance The Rapper’s and The Backstreet Boys’ contract with the Dark Lord finally comes to fruition. Hey, it was a good deal while it lasted.
T-MOBILE / TACO BELL – Taking a break from the text messages on my phone I look up and see text messages on my TV and the Matrix is complete. Also one of these was apparently a Taco Bell commercial, which I didn’t even notice.
TURBOTAX – A creepy Robo-Child’s first sentient moments are made fun of before it murders everyone and starts the AI revolution that enslaves humanity. Or at least, that’s my interpretation.
BUBLY – Michael Bubbly? Never heard of him.
SKITTLES – In an effort to curb his murder addiction, Dexter conceptualizes a musical about Skittles. Again, my interpretation.
BON & VIV SPIKED SELTZER – Apparently a deleted scene from Aquaman was leveraged to sell water that makes women drunk.
BUDWEISER – Bob Dylan is rolling in his… oh wait, he’s still alive. And richer.
MINT MOBILE – Sell your service by making America collectively gag at the same time. Interesting strategy.
AVOCADOS – Look at Big Avocado making a push to join Tobacco and Oil.
COLGATE – Luke Wilson gets uncomfortably close to people in an office because this is somehow funny.
EXPENSIFY – Nothing says hip hop like financial responsibility.
SKULL SHAVER – While sounding like an awesome horror film, it’s actually just a painfully average infomercial-style ad for an electric shaver.
YELLOW TAIL – You know when the debit card reader is broken and you have to go into the gas-station to pay? This is the wine that’s next to the motor oil and energy shots.
KIA – I thought this was a stirring Army recruitment video but instead Kia just wants more young, able-bodied people to build their cars.
OLAY – Sarah Michelle Gellar avoids being brutally murdered by a masked psychopath because she has really nice skin. This is not quippy commentary, it’s the actual ad.
PLANTERS – A maniacal peanut endangers countless innocent bystanders by smashing his peanut mobile through anything in his path. So eat some peanuts.
WEATHERTECH “Scout” – My award for the best commercial because dogs.
SKETCHERS – Tony Romo rubs how great his life is in the face of a struggling nation.
WIX.COM – A website-building service so easy even a model can use it – is what they’re basically saying.
SIMPLISAFE – The world is getting worse by the day and you should be afraid, be very afraid – but it’s still somehow cute.
ADT – A pair of genetically-engineered clones encourage us to get good home security, which makes sense considering there are soulless clones wandering around.
SPRINT – Peeling back the creative curtain, Sprint reveals an accurate depiction of a pitch meeting for one of their commercials.
HYUNDAI – Jason Bateman takes a break from embezzling drug cartel money in the Ozarks to sell us a car.
WEATHERTECH “Cup Holder” – They spent $5 million to show us how our car cup holders can also hold our phones. This product will age well, I’m sure.
PRINGLES – A couple of guys who like Pringles ignore the existential crisis of their virtual assistant in what will one day be regarded as politically incorrect once AI is fully integrated into society.
MICHELOB ULTRA “Robot” – Continuing the theme of anti-AI sentiment, a robot can do everything better than humans except drink beer and have friends. We’re setting ourselves up for annihilation, people.
SCIENTOLOGY – They beat the IRS, so we sure as hell aren’t going to say anything disparaging here.
HENNESSY – Unless the first African American track cyclist to become a world champion rode his bike while drunk on Hennessy, this ad makes zero sense.
If you’ve made it to the end of this list, you deserve a drink yourself. Lord knows I need one. At a fraction of the cost for ONE of these commercials, Giant Propeller can launch entire campaigns for emerging brands. Even for major corporations like Big Avocado… Don’t believe us? Check us out.